Milo Pressman: Single and Ready to Mingle
by CherryCokesandWinterSmokes
Summary: Co-Written with MadeInThe90s. We wanted to break the conventional mold. Rated T because this is a Milo Pressman romance, that in itself is disturbing. Also, be prepared to laugh. Review!
1. Milo Pressman: Ready For Love

**A.N. This story is co-written between MadeInThe90s and myself. Chapters 1 and 3 are written by me and Chapter 2 is written by her. Enjoy! (We try to break molds.)**

Dorothy Lachance stared blankly at her husband over a plate of watery, grey mashed potatoes and dry chicken. He didn't excite her anymore; he didn't interest her anymore. Eugene Lachance had never been the nicest man, at least not to her and Gordon. He was an imposing figure at five feet nine inches and had cruel, cold, pale blue eyes that cut through a caring individual. He worked hard down at the mine and always provided for his family. Any spark he had once had in himself, however, was crushed when his beloved son Dennis Lachance had died in a horrific Jeep accident. He didn't care for anyone anymore, and certainly not for Dorothy.  
She had tortured herself with wondering what she could do to make him feel better. She had remained the dutiful housewife. But she was blank too, and had probably neglected him without noticing. Even her cooking skills had gone down the drain. Her beauty had disappeared too. She used to have the deepest red hair and the most sparkling blue eyes ever seen in the state of Oregon. She had been reduced to gray, dishwater curls atop her head and gray eyes that had seen the light of day too many times, with skin that had wrinkled and faded with age.  
"Dorothy, you need to take the old fridge down to the junkyard. We've had that thing for months sitting in the garage and I've told you time and time again it needs to go," Eugene stated cruelly. It was the first time he had spoken the entire meal- the entire day- and it wasn't any pleasantry.  
"Why can't you take it? It's too much work for me," she said quietly; delicately. Dorothy chose her words carefully whenever talking to her husband.  
He sighed like he was talking to a child. "Dorothy, I don't have time to deal with this," he pushed himself up from the table, leaving his untouched plate behind.  
Dorothy Lachance put her white lace gloves and flowered hat on and drove to the junkyard on the edge of town in her white Chevrolet Belair that had rusted over on the hood. She had never been to the junkyard before; it was a man's job to take care of these things. It would be dealing with men and doing men's business; something women weren't keen on involving themselves in.

She pulled to the wilting, yellow grass in front of it. The fence was a rusted chain link too high for anyone to climb and the whole plot was just dirt. It was filled to the brim with old Chevrolet and Cadillac parts that had rusted with time so much so that the original colors were no longer visible as well as stoves, refrigerators, and the occasional toilet seat. Sheets of crinkled metal were stacked atop one another and the whole piece of land emitted a robust odor that made her wonder what was in there besides metal.

A dog jumped up onto the fence, barking madly and teeth snarling; drool flying out of its mouth. She let out a piercing scream that provoked a voice inside.

"Chopper! What the hell are ye doin? I'm tryin to take a nap here!"

The most evil man in all of Castle Rock emerged from afar. Sweat coated his brow on his beet red face that was so large it gave the appearance of a festering tomato. His matted curly brown hair was pressed down to his head under a grease stained hat that would have been better fit on a child. He wore a sweat stained shirt with matching grease stains and overalls covering it all. His hands were big enough to palm a basketball and were stained brown from working in the sun; even though it looked like he was lazy and didn't work at all.

He spat on the ground and stuck a toothpick in his brown, smoker's teeth. "What can I do for ye, ma'am?"

"I just... I have a fridge to drop off for my husband. May I..."

"Well a course. Lemme just get that right out for ye little lady. And if ye ever need anythin else, just lemme know," he winked.

Mrs. Lachance was hit with an idea looking at him. He was so strong, so... nice. So... _sexy. _ _He _cared about her; unlike her husband. "What is your name?"

"Me name's Milo Pressman, The Junkman. And yerself?"

"Dorothy. Dorothy Lachance."

"How would ye like to come inside me shack for a drink? And sorry about the swearin earlier. That dog is a right bit o trouble but he keeps the kids out."

"That's fine. And that would be lovely," Dorothy Lachance smiled brightly.

Dorothy couldn't believe she was doing this. She was a married woman, with two- well, one now- kids and a working husband. She had a reputation in this town to uphold; after all, she was part of the Woman's Auxiliary and the quilting and sewing circles. She was still in contact with Denny's friends parents and their husbands knew hers.

But then she thought about how Denny was dead. How her husband didn't care about her anymore. He didn't respond to her advances, he didn't eat her food; he barely even looked at her or spoke to her anymore. No matter how hard she tried to appreciate her son Gordon, she couldn't. He was a failure to the both of them. He hung around with that messed up Chambers kid and that crazy Duchamp. And Tessio... that kid was dumber than a bag of rocks. No matter how hard she tried to act interested, she knew writing wasn't a career. He'd never make it and would end up working in the mines with Eugene. But now, now was her chance to get out of this life. She could forget all of these things that had ruined her and start anew. This was the way to do it.

She was going to have an affair with Milo Pressman, The Junkman.


	2. An Early Homecoming

**Hello everyone. It's MadeInThe90s here. I've decided to add a warning to this chapter, not because this chapter is too horrifying, but the upcoming one might be. This chapter contains the discovery of the affair by Eugene Lachance. Warning: Contains a Milo Pressman confessing his love for Dorothy over a telephone call. Please review everyone. **

_*Three Months Later*_

Dorothy Lachance was just coming home after yet another day at the Junkyard. It was a hot summer day in Oregon. Her tired grey hair was frizzy from the moisture and her dress clung to her wrinkling skin as she drove.

A smile was plastered on her thin, old lips, the first in months. Her relationship with the Junkman had finally blossomed. She knew she loved him and that he loved her. There wasn't even a worry in her mind as she drove. Her husband Eugene could never possibly find out. He was too depressed with the loss of his son Denny, and he didn't pay any attention to her anymore, that was for sure.

Dorothy slammed her car door shut, keys in hand, as she got out of the white Chevrolet Belair.

She was so pleased today that she didn't pay any attention to the other car on the parking pad in front of hers. She began to whistle as she ascended the steps to the front door of her nice home.

Taking her keys, she turned the lock of the door and stepped inside, completely oblivious to the fact that Mr. Lachance was home; in fact, he was sitting in the living room, trying to look occupied with a newspaper.

Dorothy continued to whistle as she placed the purse she had been carrying down on the floor.

Nothing could possibly ruin her mood...

"Why hello Dorothy," Eugene spoke in a raspy, mean tone.

Mrs. Lachance spun around on her heels; eyes open in shock, heart beating at a million miles a minute.

She couldn't speak from all the horror.

Mr. Lachance lightly put down his newspaper, standing up as he did so.

"Why are you home so early?" Dorothy asked with obvious fright.

But she was completely ignored. Eugene asked her, "Where have you been? I asked you ten times last night, you need to clean the house." His tone was raised, clearly impatient with his wife.

This was why Dorothy was tired of Eugene. He had never done anything useful around the house. All he managed to do was mope around, mourning Denny. He tried to disguise it by telling Dorothy to run errands or do this or that.

Mrs. Lachance didn't reply. She simply stared at her husband.

"Dorothy, where were you?" Eugene asked again, this time with more impatience.

But a sudden ringing broke the silence. The phone vibrated and clanged loudly on the coffee table on which Eugene had placed his newspaper.

Dorothy had only one thought, worrying deeply that the caller was Milo.

She lunged for it, letting out a long and dramatic, "Nooooooooo!"

But it was too late already. With a quick swipe of the hand, Mr. Lachance had the phone from his wife's reach. He looked at her before placing the receiver to his ear and waiting for something from the other end of the line.

"'Ello sweetums," the voice chimed in a sing-song way.

Eugene's face turned red as a tomato. Yet it was nothing compared to the look on Dorothy's face.

There was a silence from the other end of the line for a moment, until Milo spoke again, "Ye need to come to me shack again soon.

I've missed ya already."

Eugene couldn't take anymore of what he was hearing. He slammed the receiver down and turned to face his wife. Never in all their years of marriage, had Dorothy ever seen someone so disgusted and spitting with anger. Eugene's facial expression went from tomato red, to blueberry blue, and back again.

"Dorothy, what the fuck has been going on here?!" He spat as loud as his lungs could muster. It shook the house.

Yet Dorothy knew that it wasn't too hard to figure out what was going on.

Before she had time to give him any sort of explanation though, Eugene took off running towards the entrance, ripping the door open, and disappearing.


	3. Fight!

_"Anything can happen during the dog days of summer. On June 3rd, 1959, everything did." - Tagline for Dog Day Afternoon (1975) (The date is changed for the story, however.)_

Eugene Lachance stormed out the door; the screen smacking the wooden door frame so hard it splintered. His hand found the handle of his busted and dusted red pickup truck and he ripped it open angrily. He couldn't believe his wife was having an affair! With a junkman!

Soon enough, the truck was flying across the residential streets of town going at seventy miles per hour; dust was flying everywhere, the townspeople looked on in awe. He whipped a right turn over to the junkyard as his truck fishtailed dangerously. He slammed the wheel the other way so it pulled up parallel to the fence; dirt flying.  
Eugene jumped down and stepped out like he was in an old Western movie. He cracked his knuckles and his neck; ready for battle.  
"Hey! Milo! Get over here we need to have a real long talk about something," by now he had a splintered off piece of wood, smacking it against his hand.  
The man was obviously a coward. He was standing right there and didn't open the gate. Eugene wasn't fazed though. He merely climbed the rusted fence; the fence that was impossible to climb unless you were a child.  
"Alright you fat oaf. I'm tired of you screwing with my wife. And now, guess who's gonna pay?"

…...

"Whoa, did you hear that? Gordie, your dad just went gangster. Major bad ass," Teddy said excitedly.  
Gordie, Chris, Teddy, and Vern had been walking past the yard on a hot summer day. They had never expected that a fight would break out. The heat did make people crazy though. It had made Eugene Lachance crazy.  
"Your wife wasn't happy with ye. She decided to find 'erself a real man," Milo smirked.  
"Oooh, man. Gordie? Your mom was with that piece of shit? _Eee ee ee._" Teddy laughed and Gordie looked at him so icily it shut him up.  
"You guys, we gotta go in there. We gotta stop them!" Chris, ever the peacemaker, said fervently.  
The men had begun to fight just as the boys were climbing the fence. Dorothy Lachance had arrived in her car as well, ready to play the damsel in distress.  
Eugene split the piece of wood against Milo's head, making it even redder and even more ghastly. Milo pretended to be down when in a surprise attack he gave Eugene "the old one-two." While Mr. Lachance was lying flat on his back, Milo went for a classic wrestling move. He piledrived Eugene right in the stomach. But Mr. Lachance wasn't going down without a fight. He jumped back up like nothing had even happened. Him and Milo were so close their noses were almost touching.  
"Alright. Fight, Fight, Fight!" Teddy yelled. "I'm so glad I got this popcorn while we were up at Quidaciolu's!" The popcorn spilled out of his mouth as he continued to yell crazily.  
Some other boys from town had come up to the fence to watch. "Hey! You don't just get to watch for free. This is on an admission basis if you want in. Twenty-five cents or get the hell out!" Teddy said angrily; food flying out of his mouth. The kids happily paid up to the older boy. There weren't fights in Castle Rock that often; they couldn't miss this.  
Teddy continued to yell and trash talk. "Yeah, Mr. Lachance! You got this!" "This isn't a fair fight, he outweighs him by five hundred pounds! _Eee ee ee._"  
Meanwhile, Chris Chambers ran up to the pair. He was determined to stop this fight even if it cost him his life. "Hey, guys, come on. You need to br-"  
Milo swung a beefy arm out, jabbing Chris in the neck and knocking him out. He wasn't breathing.  
Gordie's mouth swung open, "Nooooooo!" he screamed in slow motion as he ran over to Chris. He pulled him to the side.  
"Chris. You gotta wake up, man! You gotta breathe!" Everything around Gordie had stopped. He didn't hear the fight and he didn't hear the large crowd that had gathered, cheering.  
"I shall give you... The Kiss of Life!" Gordie cried and began to give Chris "CPR."  
Chris' eyes shot wide open after that. "Gordie! What the hell are you doing? Why the fuck are you kissing me?"  
"You weren't breathing, man."  
"Yes I was, you idiot. But it's good that you would save me if I was dying."  
"Yeah... I was saving you..." Gordie said awkwardly.

No one had even noticed that Gordie had just made out with an "unconscious" Chris. They were all too distracted by the fight to notice two guys kissing (LaChambers was so old news.)  
Dorothy was running towards them now, screaming in the same way Gordie had over Chris.  
"Stop fighting. Oh, please. Stop fighting," tears streamed down her delicate face.  
"Who do you want, Dorothy? Who do you want? It's me or him, take your pick," Eugene said with finality. Everything was at a standstill.  
"I'm sorry Eugene. I can't be with you anymore. Milo is the only one for me."  
"Well, then you can have him. Enjoy the shack! Enjoy this shithole!" Eugene yelled; almost happily.  
Then, before he walked away, he slapped Milo across the face. Hard. He left a red handprint shape on his face; right before he walked away.  
"Yeah mon, beech slap dat mother fucker. Slap dat mon hard, mon," Teddy said happily. Vern and the other boys all looked at him incredulously. "What? Not only am I French, but I've got a little Jamaican blood in there too."  
The fight was over. The boys ran for the truck Mr. Lachance was entering. "You kids need a ride?" For once, it seemed like Mr. Lachance actually cared about his son and his friends.  
"Yeah! And Mr. Lachance, where'd you learn to fight like that?" Teddy asked as he hopped into the front seat with Gordie's father.  
"Well, son. In the days of my Castle Rock youth, I was the best prize fighter around these parts. There was this one fight I remember quite well..."

**A.N. The Jamaican line was for CelestialStarryNight. I hope you enjoyed our little humor piece. I also hope none of you are too damaged from it (we are not to be held responsible for any blindness or projectile vomiting caused from reading this story.) Please review! And Thank You!**


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